Living In The Past
by purplepagoda
Summary: Susan's incessant questioning leads her to answers that she may not want to hear from Renee.
1. Chapter 1

How well do we really know our neighbors? People are rarely forthcoming about who they really are. Everyone has a past. Everyone has regrets. Some more than others. Some secrets come back to haunt us, when we least expect it.

Susan is walking around the block, pushing Paige in her stroller. Renee joins her.

"What are you doing? I thought that I was boring," Susan points out.

"You are, but I'd rather walk with you, than by myself."

"I see."

"Just keep her quiet."

"Why do you hate children so much?"

"I don't hate them, I just don't like them."

"That's different how?"

"I wouldn't be cruel to them intentionally, but I'd prefer not to be bothered with them."

"You never wanted to have a child?"

"No," she answers quickly.

"Not even for a second?"

"Maybe for a second, but then I realized how ridiculous that would be. I'm not good with children, and they aren't exactly fond of me."

"It's different when it's your own kid," Susan points out.

"It doesn't matter."

"Why didn't you ever have kids?"

She stops dead in her tracks. Susan turns, and looks at her, waiting for a reaction. Renee takes a deep breath. Finally she answers, "I'm too selfish. I know that I'd never be able to make the sacrifices that a parent has to make without feeling resentful. I thought that it would be best if I didn't have kids. For me, and for the rest of the world."

"How can you look at her, and not have your heart melt?"

"I think about all of the snot, and slobbers, and dirty diapers, and I'm cured," she smiles.

"It's so much more than that. There is nothing in the world like holding a sleeping baby. When Julie, and MJ were babies sometimes I would just watch them sleep."

"Why?"

"They were so peaceful, and innocent."

"I much prefer the scent of a new car, to a new baby."

"Your husband didn't want kids?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"So he didn't mind that you didn't want them?"

"No."

"What if he had?"

"It wouldn't have mattered. I wouldn't have kid, just because someone else wanted me to. That's a terrible idea."

"I agree, I was just curious, I guess."

"Why did you have kids?"

"Neither of them were planned, they just happened. I never knew that I even wanted kids. When I had Julie everything changed. The way you look at everything changes after you have a child."

Paige starts crying, and Renee begins to walk away.

"Stop!" Susan insists as she lifts Paige out of the stroller.

"What?"

"You act as if you're afraid of her."

"You know that I do not like little people of any kind."

"Don't be ridiculous," Susan pats Paige.

"I'm not."

Susan holds Paige out to Renee.

"I don't want her," Renee comments.

"She doesn't bite."

"She's still crying."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Make her stop."

"If I make her stop will you hold her?"

"No."

"Then I'll leave her with you."

"Fine," Renee huffs, and crosses her arms.

Susan gets Paige to stop crying. She then offers her to Renee. Renee reluctantly takes the baby. She holds her for a few seconds.

"Are you satisfied?"

"No, you look insane. Don't hold her out so far away from you."

"I don't like this, and I don't like the face that she's making."

"Be normal," Susan suggests.

Renee moves the baby closer to her body. She situates her on her hip.

"See, it's not that bad."

"Babies are like puppies, they're cute in pictures, but I don't want one."

Susan rolls her eyes as she takes the baby from Renee. She fastens Paige back into the stroller, and continues walking.

"Renee did you have some sort of traumatic experience with a baby or something?"

"Why would you think that?"

"I don't know," she shrugs, "Maybe it's the way you act."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"So you didn't have a traumatic experience?"

"I didn't say that."

"So did you, or not?"

"Susan I don't want to talk about this."

"It can't be that bad. Once when Julie was about fifteen months old I had just finished her bath, and was getting her ready for bed. I didn't have any diapers in her room, so I went to find some. When I found them, I went back, and she was gone. I found her in the living room, covered in poop. That was traumatic for me, but I got over it," she rambles on. When she stops talking she realizes that Renee didn't interrupt her. She stops, and looks over at Renee. Renee looks away.

"Are you crying?"

"No," she lies.

"Why are you crying?"

"I told you that I didn't want to talk about it."

Susan walks Renee home. She stops at Renee's porch, and takes Paige out of her stroller. She joins Renee on the porch, in a chair.

"I didn't mean to make you cry," Susan admits.

"It's not your fault."

"Why are you crying?"

"I shouldn't tell you."

"There are a lot of things that you shouldn't tell me, but you do."

"True."


	2. Chapter 2

"What is it that you don't want to tell me?"

"You're not going to like it."

"I don't like a lot of the things that come out of your mouth, but I'm still willing to listen to what you have to say."

"Susan I've made a lot of mistakes in my life."

"We all have."

"Not like this."

"Like what?"

"You don't know the half of it Susan."

"So explain it."

"I can't."

"I'm not going to tell anyone."

"I'm not worried about that."

"So then tell me."

"Hold on," she answers as she vacates her seat. She goes into the house, and comes out a few moments later. She hands a picture to Susan. Susan looks at the picture, and waits for an explanation.

"Why are you showing me this?"

_June 15th 1990,_

_This day had gone from bad to worse. First she woke up late. Then she spilled coffee all over herself. Before she could even get to work she broke a heel. At lunch she knocked over her water, all over her desk. On her way home it started raining, and now this._

_She sits in the bathroom of her apartment, completely petrified. She stares at her vanity. She feels her heart racing, and her breathing becoming erratic. _

_"This can't be happening," she tells herself. The little plus sign tells her she's wrong. _

_Before she can think about the situation anymore she is overcome by nausea, and catapults across the room, to the toilet. She spends the rest of the evening in the bathroom, barfing, until she thinks that there's nothing left._

"You were pregnant?" Susan questions.

Renee simply nods.

"You don't have a kid, do you?"

Renee avoids making eye contact.

"Do you?" Susan repeats.

"Does it matter?"

"You got pregnant, and then what?"

"What do you mean then what?"

"What did you do?"

"I freaked out."

"And then what?"

"Then I realized what a bad idea it would be for me to have a child. I could never raise a child."

"So you didn't?"

"I chose not to raise a child," she answers.

"But did you..." Susan trails off.

She finally meets Susan's eyes. "No one really knows where they stand on any issue until they're in that position. I thought thatI knew where I stood, but I didn't. No one was going to tell me what was right and wrong. No one else had to make that decision. I think that everyone should make their own decision, but..."

"But what?"

"It wasn't one that I could make. No matter how much I didn't want a child, I still couldn't do it. I was afraid of the unknown, but I was more afraid of doing something that I couldn't take back, if it wasn't the right thing for me."

"So you have a child?" Susan attempts to clarify.

"Yeah, somewhere, I do," she admits.

"And the picture?" Susan questions holding up a baby picture.

"That's her. Her name is Emily. That's all I know."

"How old is she?"

"She'll be twenty in January."

"Do you..."

"She hasn't tried to contact me. I told her adoptive parents that when she was eighteen if she was curious she could contact me, but I never heard from her."

"What about the father?" Susan questions.

Renee's face falls.

"What?"

"He doesn't know, he can never know."

"You don't think that he should know that he has a daughter?"

"No. He wouldn't."

"He should know."

"I'm not going to open that can of worms."

"Can of worms?"

"The past is the past. I don't want to ruin the present."

"Meaning?"

"He's married."

"So?"

"I'm not going to tear his marriage apart, no matter how much I'd like to."

"Who is her father?"

"Susan it doesn't matter? None of it matters."

"None of it matters?"

"No."

"I don't believe you."

"If I thought I had any chance of being with him, and raising her with him, things might have been different, but what could have happened doesn't matter. What did happen is..."

"Seven kids," she comments.

"What?" she raises an eyebrow.

"He's got seven kids," she answers.

"What are you talking about?"

"He's fathered seven kids? He must have bionic sperm."

"Susan are we still talking about the same thing?"

"I think we are."

"You think we are? What are you talking about, over there in crazytown?"

"Tom."

"Tom?"

"Am I wrong in thinking that he's the father?"

"No."

"So why are you confused?"

"He doesn't have seven kids."

"You and he have a child, that's one. He and Lynette have five, that's six..."

Renee cuts her off, "That's only six."

"He's got one with someone else too."


	3. Chapter 3

"Are you being serious?" Susan questions.

"No," Renee quickly recants.

"You're not? Then why were you crying?"

"I was just pulling your leg. Susan you are so gullible."

"And the picture? Whose baby is it?"

"An old friend. She sent me a picture when her kid was born. A birth announcement. I could honestly care less, but somehow it got into a shoebox. I just found it the other day, when I was sorting through some old stuff."

"So that business about you and Tom..."

"It was a joke. I just wanted to see if you would believe me."

"So none of it is true?"

"No," Renee answers.

"Oh. I've..."

"You should get going," Renee suggests.

Susan nods, and leaves the porch. She thinks about the events, as she heads home. The conversation slips into the recesses of her mind, by the time that she lays down for sleep that night.

* * *

Present day: Susan is strolling through the aisle of the supermarket. She stops, and stares at the cereal. She pulls out her coupon envelope.

"Excuse me," a young woman tries to get by. Susan moves her cart out of the way. She smiles kindly.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes, looking up. She freezes. She looks as if she's seen a ghost. Her face goes pale.

"Are you ok?" The young woman asks, turning around, with her box of cereal.

"I'm fine."

"You look like you've seen a ghost," the young woman points out.

"I'm sorry. You just look familiar."

"I doubt that. I'm new in town. I just moved here a few days ago."

"Oh. I'm Susan," Susan offers her hand.

The girl with big blue eyes, and dimples smiles at her, "I'm Emily," she shakes.

"If you don't mind me asking, what brings you to Fairview?"

"School, and some soul searching, I guess."

Susan smiles, she tears off a piece of her envelope, she scribbles down her phone number.

"Do you know very many people in Fairview?"

Emily shakes her head, "No, just my roommate."

"Here's my number. If you want to know the best place to eat, or where you can find a good car wash, or something like that, just give me a call. I remember how scary it was, when I didn't know anyone here."

"Thanks," Emily smiles graciously, and walks away.

Susan quickly finishes her errands, and returns home. She puts the groceries away, and heads out the door. Mike is coming through the front door, as she races towards it.

"Whoa! Where's the fire?"

"I let Renee borrow my salad bowl, and I need it back, for dinner tonight," she makes an excuse.

"Oh," he steps aside, letting her through the door.

She marches over to Renee's. She stomps up the stairs of the porch. She glances at the door, contemplating simply marching in. She chooses to knock. Renee comes to the door, after a few seconds.

"Yes, Susan?"

"Why would you lie to me?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"You sold me this story and I bought. Then, you make me feel stupid, because I bought it, and it wasn't true. Now I realize, you were just trying to keep me from knowing too much. Obviously it was true, and you just didn't want me to know it."

"Susan why are you rambling? What are you talking about?"

"I met her."

"Met who?"

"Can I come in? We have nosey neighbors, and I don't think that you want them to overhear this conversation. Karen will tell everyone, if she finds out."

"Finds out what?"

"Can I come in?"

"Yes," Renee steps aside, and lets her in. Renee closes the door behind her. She stares at Susan.

"Can I get you a drink?" Renee inquires.

"No," Susan shakes her head, "but you might want one."

Renee studies Susan, for a moment. The look in Susan's eyes tells her that she's not joking. Susan follows Renee into the kitchen. Renee pours herself a drink. She looks to Susan.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No, but I think that you should sit down," Susan advises.

"Ok," Renee nods, sinking into a chair at the kitchen table.

"Are you ready for this?"

Renee takes a swallow of her drink, "Ready for what? What is going on?"

"It's different now, you know."

"What is?"

"Tom and Lynette aren't together, anymore."

"I know."

"It doesn't matter."

"What doesn't matter? Susan, what are you talking about? Could you slow down, so that I could attempt to be on the same page as you are? I cannot follow your train of thought, right now."

"I met her."

"You said that. You met who?"

"Her," Susan replies.

"Her who? Susan who did you meet?"

"Today when I was at the grocery store. I met her. I was just looking for a coupon for cereal, and there she was. I looked up, and she was standing right in front of me, as plain as day. At first I was confused, I couldn't figure out where I knew her from. Then I realized that I had never seen her before, but she looked so familiar. Then, when she smiled I knew. I knew who she was. I knew that it was her."

"That it was who? Why did you rush over to tell me this intriguing story about the grocery store? You know I don't really care."

"Yes you do."

"Why? Why would I care who you saw at the grocery store, when you were looking for a coupon for your cereal?"

"Because," Susan exhales, "she's here. She's living in Fairview."

"Who?"

"Your daughter."


	4. Chapter 4

Renee swallows hard. She takes a drink, and then looks at Susan. She furrows her brow.

"My what?"

"Your daughter," Susan repeats.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I am talking about."

"No, I don't."

"The picture you showed me. The baby picture."

"Susan, that was just a joke."

"Really? You don't have a daughter, with Tom Scavo?"

"No," Renee shakes her head.

"So then if he sees a twenty year old girl, around town that looks like a combination of the two of you, he won't suspect that she belongs to you. He won't have an reason to be suspicious of that?"

"No."

"Good, because it's pretty obvious. She looks a lot like you, but the hair is different. Curlier, redder too. Her eyes are a little darker blue."

"Susan stop it. This isn't funny. Ok, I get it. The joke is on me. You have repaid me. I promise I will never do something like that to you again."

"I am serious. I saw her. She's a pretty girl."

"Susan, that's not funny."

"Why not?"

"Susan..."

"Her name is Emily. She just moved to Fairview. She said she had some soul searching to do, here."

"Susan, just stop. I get it, I was cruel. You can stop now."

"I am being serious. I really saw her."

"Susan I don't have a daughter."

"So you aren't at all concerned? You aren't the slightest bit curious about the girl I saw today? The one named Emily?"

"No, I..." Renee stops mid-sentence.

"Renee I think that it's time that you are honest with me. Do you have a daughter?"

Renee doesn't say anything. She stares at Susan, with a look of fear in her eyes.

"You never told Tom?"

Renee shakes her head.

"Lynette?"

"No. How could I?"

"You never told either of them?"

"There was never a good time. There was never a reason. It was in the past."

"You were afraid that they wouldn't be able to forgive you, for keeping a secret like that, for so long."

"I didn't want to ruin the friendship. What's done is done. I didn't, I don't want to talk about it."

"I don't think that is an option, anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"Soul searching? Renee I think that she's looking for you."

"So what if she is?"

"If she shows up here, people will be suspicious."

"Why?"

"Because she looks like you. People will talk."

"What do you suggest that I do?"

"I suggest that you tell Tom, and Lynette."

"I can't."

"Tell them, or I will."

"How am I going to tell Lynette?"

"You're more worried about telling Lynette? You have a child with Tom. She is not with him, anymore."

"That isn't the point. Susan, I betrayed her trust."

"You have to make this right, before things get out of control."

"Promise me, that you won't tell anyone."

"I won't, not right now. But you need to tell them."

"I know, or you will."

"I'm giving you two days," Susan warns.

"Two days, why only two?"

"I have enough secrets to keep. Two days is plenty of time. You can't be sure that she won't show up on your doorstep, if you wait any longer."

"Ok, I'll tell them."

"You swear."

"Yes," Renee nods.

"Ok. If you..."

"I'll be fine," Renee insists.

Lynette sits at the kitchen table, with a cup of tea in front of her. Renee sits next to her, with an untouched cup of tea. Renee looks out the window.

"Renee?"

"Huh?" Renee responds, without looking a Lynette.

"What is wrong with you, this morning?"

"What are you talking about?" she questions, making brief eye contact.

"First of all you keep looking out the window, as if you're expecting someone. Are you expecting someone, or something? A package?"

"No."

"And second of all, you have barely said to words all morning."

"Sorry, I'm just a little tired."

"Third of all, you aren't acting like yourself. I know you. What's going on?"

"Lynette," she begins, looking at her cup.

"Yeah?"

Renee locks eyes with Lynette, "There is something that I have to tell you."

"Ok," Lynette agrees.

"I just want you to understand why I didn't tell you."

"Why you didn't tell me? Tell me what?"

"I needed you to be my friend, and..."

"Renee, what is going on?"

"I'm sorry."

"Renee, just tell me!" Lynette insists.

"Lynette, I have..." Renee trails off.

"You have what? Bad news? Good news? A new client? A new idea? What? Just tell me!"

"None of that."

"What are you having such a hard time telling me? You are rarely at a loss for words."

"I have a daughter."


End file.
